college poem y of x

they fixed the light
and while we're rejoicing
I'm cursing maintenance
for illuminating you

it's better when it's balls cold
and while they're complaining
I'm adoring the sensation
of being frozen slowly

you never understood shadow
it's why I didn't like your art

it's why you don't like me

I can accept this too
I can swallow it like I swallow liquor
their faces shine with pride when I glug
and never wince, never shudder

I will let my pubes grow long
let my heart turn into a frosted flake

it stings, and I am through with
all these fucking
ointments

a deer and a bear are wandering
in the half melted snow of my back yard
they brawl with each other alternating
with sprawling in sunbeams on their backs
would you like to play pretend
would you like to be the deer or the bear

half thrilled and half disappointed
in myself and my own power
and of course
pleased
with a powerpoint presentation
I made today entitled
things you deliberately set on fire
I spent a lot of time on the
transitions

the dear and the bare
with me through this shift this shit
that I have to shovel
before I can even think
about going outside to play with you
so why did you run off with my wheelbarrow
half full of half meant words stolen
from thoughts I invented for other people

jesus christ man
I didn't even mean it when I prayed
to the bike rack that night
for a savior

I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care

I am going to rename my small world
dogs you are now called safety and reassurance
sliding door can be forgiveness
the pile of filthy clothes that fall off my frame
is success
blankets will be validation
and that empty feeling that won't leave my lungs
I will call it friend for now
so the phlegm must be named
love